his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
You Might Also Like
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I will never stop laughing at this
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit