his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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OKAY DAD
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Jokes on them. I took 10.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m giving up for Lent.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.