his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My flabber has been gasted.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me after drinking all the wine:
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.