*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
one last job
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
so i’m at the stock market right
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle