*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?