*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
pelicons
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do