*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw