His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”