Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not