his wife is probably gonna see that
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“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Well, shit
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.