Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: