Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Netflix and awkward silence?

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce