Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

#inspiration #foodforthought

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

So we got a goldfish…

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.