Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You Might Also Like
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Saturday
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.