Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween