Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

Employees must applaud the planets.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.