Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me