Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.