Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.