@mom_tho
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
@queer_queenie
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
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@mom_tho
@Darlainky
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
@shashaintl
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
@OrdinaryAlso
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
@CauseWereGuys
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
@TheNuttyKiwi
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
@BipolarBearDick
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
@AimeeHelene1
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
@BrdnHatesYou
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*