4: mom can I sing just a short song?
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
You Might Also Like
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: (nervous sweating)
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*