Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
181.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.