Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

😂💯

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement