Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Care for your back
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?