Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

The government even made aliens boring

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.