History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I only eat vegetarians.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin