Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

Grandpa

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

im all 3

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.