I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.