[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
road rage
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Today’s Times
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
