[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
