Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*