Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.