Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?