Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.