Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.