History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.