History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I love texting my boyfriend
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”