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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically