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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Time heals everything 🙂
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”