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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends