History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people