History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.