Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.