Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.