Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*