Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

…..pretty much.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*