Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

#Caturday

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.