Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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😲 WTF? 😆
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
me when i see my girls butt
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.