Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.