Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set