Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Oops 🤭

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

me irl

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?