Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.