Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?