Hit me in the face with a bird
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first