Hit me in the face with a bird
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Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
The cashier just checked me out.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
want me to check your oil?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes