Hit me in the face with a bird
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”