Hit me in the face with a bird
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
LA today:
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’ve been drinking.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*