Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.