Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
murder on the timeline
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I would like even faster food.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”