Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
emergency phone
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck