Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

fourth time’s the charm

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after