Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.