Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

How I like cutting carbs

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.