‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
You Might Also Like
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.