‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Drop 👏 that 👏 skincare 👏 routine 👏
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.