‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.