‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back