Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.