Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

My teenage children choosing violence

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you