Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh