Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

A small tragedy.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.