Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Fight
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
We will use anything but the metric system
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.