[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
*pronounces patio like ratio
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
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With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
seems like a niche market
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
channeling her this year
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
