Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Grew big
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.