Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

I love twitter