Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
They got a point!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids