Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
This is the one
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible