Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Watermelon Boss!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel