Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*