Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Ferrari squats
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”