Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos