Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework